Mar 14, 2010

People who read and walk

I'm all for multitasking, but let's face it, when you read and walk you do neither well. Read. Walk. Read. Walk.

Why would you even read and walk? Like, is your book just so good you can't put it down? Is this some kind of ill-concieved time saving strategy? Or do you find your surroundings so unbearable that you need to escape into a book? I'm not sure you can actually read effectively while walking anyways.  Why not walk somewhere really fast, get there early, and read for a few? It's clear by the meandering start-stop pace of a read walker they are literally experiencing the worst of both worlds. In any case, I hope the climax to the last Harry Potter book involves you getting hit by a bus.

Feb 22, 2010

711 attendant

Terribly sorry to put you out. I know it must be super aggravating to have to make change for people. Especially when they are buying a small chocolate milk and paying with a $20 bill. Here's the thing: your bank machine only dispenses twenties, and you are out of large chocolate milks, so that really puts us at an impasse, doesn't it? I'm afraid this time you had to be the one to blink, and bend all the way down to below the cash and then grab--and open!-- a new roll of quarters. Coincidentally, that is your fucking job, so I could do without the exasperation. If I had change, wouldn't I have paid with it??

Jan 28, 2010

technorati

SQ7K2FUNTM92

Jan 17, 2010

Asshole family on the streetcar

Hey guys,
Just wanted to thank you for parking your giant stroller right across from me on the streetcar. Despite the rest of the aisle being relatively empty, you decided to create a bottleneck by stopping right there. So who do you think everyone is going to push through? a baby, or me (not a baby)?? Thanks again for that. Hopefully your baby grows up to be less of an asshole than you.

To the bitch (or bastard) with the bleach

Hi,

I'm sure this is going to come as TERRIBLY shocking news, but EVERYONE who lives in our apartment building uses the laundry facilities - NOT JUST YOU! I would personally like to thank you for ruining the new towels I purchased not a week ago. That was truly awesome.

Perhaps you could go to a store and investigate some non-bleach alternatives for your future laundering. Or, you know, try CLEANING YOUR FUCKING NECK OR SOMETHING.

Like, who uses bleach anymore? What century do you live in? Do you throw garbage at otters in your spare time? Stop being such an inconsiderate piece of shit. If I ever find out who you are, I'm going to make you drink the bleach, and then strangle you with the towels.

Thank you.

P.S. This also goes for all of you who wash oily-soiled items in the public laundry room, too. You are greasy dickheads.

Jan 14, 2010

High school girl at St. Clair station

Poor girl. You look freezing cold sitting there in your Canada Goose jacket (requisite for all private school kids), your ugg boots (also requisite) and your BARE LEGS. It's the middle of January-- what were you thinking?! Of course you're cold! Despite the myriad options available to you-- pants, stockings, leggings, etc... you chose to go barelegged. You're wearing winter clothes over the rest of your body-- did your legs not get the memo?

If this is some kind of aesthetic choice, I think you need to reconsider exactly how attractive your goosebumped and red legs actually are to people. You look like a raw turkey.

Jan 12, 2010

To the retard at the Victory last weekend...

Dear Retard,

Remember me? Friday at the Victory? I was sitting upstairs on the last stool at bar. You wanted to sit at a table with your friends. The only problem was, your chair would block the server bar entrance. This entrance happened to be right beside me. Instead of just asking me politely if I could move over a seat, you poked me on the back and said "This guy's got a lot of room."

Remember how I called you on your bullshit right away? Why did you give me attitude, like I was in the wrong? You laughed in my face and said, with your hands up "Hey, I don't want to get into a whole thing with you about this." But if you had acted like a gentleman to begin with, we wouldn't have ended up in an unpleasant situation.

By the way, you look like a retard. Maybe someone's not getting enough iodine in his diet and it's causing him to degenerate/devolve into some sort of pre/sub-human. I dunno..just sayin'...LOL!

Dec 18, 2009

General Conniption. People who stand in doorways and at the top of stairs.

There are many of you out there, who, this holiday season have decided to go out and about, and perhaps you don't normally go out, and thus you have no concept of the ways in which one behaves courteously in public spaces. Here are some basic rules to follow.

Stairs: If you stop at the top of the stairs, you're going to get pushed down them. Maybe not by me, maybe not on purpose, but it's going to happen. You may be lost, but the top of the stairs is really the WORST place to sort that out.

Doors: Again with the stopping. "Hey, so-and-so, haven't seen you in forever! happy holidays, blahblahblah..." GET OUT OF THE FUCKING DOORWAY. You go through doors to have conversations with people, that's precisely the reason door-to-door salespeople are creepy, because they have conversations in doorways. It's only compounded in a busy doorway while people with armloads of shopping bags pile up behind you.

Dec 11, 2009

To the bitch at Curry's yesterday...

You: tall, pale, dark hair, over-groomed, hyper.
Me: waiting in line, not insane.

I find it interesting that you thought it would be fine for you to butt in front of me like that. Yeah, I know there were two cashiers, but there was one line -- and I was in it.

What? You think just because you're "good looking" you can do whatever you want?

I was thinking about calling you on your bullshit, but I knew you would just plead ignorance. It doesn't matter though. I knew that you knew that I was onto you and that I could see into the very fabric of your being -- my gaze gradually pierced your body to reveal the essence of your dark life force.

Was my staring making you uncomfortable?

You look like you belong in a porno.

Nov 26, 2009

girl at wellesley station

so nice of you to find a nice out of the way spot to spit inside the station. gross.

Nov 25, 2009

Woman in front of me at Starbucks

Dear Maam,

could you please show a little courtesy and refrain from doing your taxes with the Starbucks employee. I know it's not peak hours, but when people are behind you waiting, sort it out and go. Unless you're buying a franchise (which you can't even do with starbucks) there is no conceivable reason for you to spend ten minutes at the counter.

Additionally-- Starbucks employees-- you are not blameless. For you to allow customers to stand in line for ten minutes while some old bat struggles to understand the concept of a starbucks card is completely unacceptable, particularly when there are several employees working. Employee at the counter-- see that people are attended to, or at least apologize for the wait. Employee #2-- people are waiting, and unlike them, cleaning the coffee pots CAN wait.

A little conscience, please.

Nov 21, 2009

elevator couple...

Hey assholes, you don't have to re-push the button for the floor you're going to just because I got on. The elevator didn't forget, nor did the buttons reset themselves when my foot crossed the threshold into the car. If I had the kind of power to do that sort of thing, I wouldn't be living in an apartment.

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